Northumberland

Warm skin against cold aluminium

Heavy heart against an increasingly empty one

Talk through pixels and megabytes

An elusive kiss, imagined

You are tomorrow, next month, next year

I am next to you and you next to me

Flashes

A picturesque procession of desires

Hand in hand

Head on chest

Rise and fall of your breathing

Arms around you

Reality hits, you won’t wait for me

My head cuts the ties that my heart so desperately holds on to

I lost you

my life

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass… it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

The Royal

you are not allowed to come stomping in here, steal my heart and then pretend that everything is fine when it’s not, because you dont want me anymore. it hurts. i know it was inconvenient and awkward, but i’m trying my best to move on too. it just sucks becase i would never have let myself fall so hard for you if you hadn’t shown me that the feeling was mutual. don’t tease me with what could be only to rip it away all of a sudden. trying to ignore my feelings is something i’ve never had to do before, so asking me to is a big deal. i’m not mad at you. i just hate that i used to imagine a future for us. now all i see is a past.

Love is not an emoticon.

Yet another old blog post. I thought this one was funny because of how much things have changed, especially my position on this topic:

Originally posted December 6, 2006:

Do not tell me:

you like me.

you love me.

you want to go out with me.

If I have never met you, talked to you or remembered your name, chances are I do not like you back.

Sorry.

Tenani

Wasn’t I a funny one?

T

Old blogs come full circle

I was reading through some old blog posts and decided to copy a couple that are about two years old. Roughly two years ago something happened in my life that changed me forever, and changed my outlook on things. I won’t go in to detail but I credit this time for setting me back on a positive path in life, instead of continuing down the road I was going. This week signals the end of that transition period. Certain things have happened which bring these events full circle to close off this chapter.

Originally posted March 6, 2007:

DOWN CAME THE RAIN

There is always one family who appear to have it all. They are young, vibrant, successful and love each other. This is always the family that is not what they seem. There is a definate and constant face, a mask, a cover so the world keeps believing what they have all along. It’s a lie.

This family has secrets.
This family has problems.
This family is not quite a family.

But no one sees this because this family has a filter between them and the rest of the world. And because this family is so focussed on keeping that image, they start to believe it themselves. The dangerous thing about lying to yourself about who you are is that, eventually, you believe your own lies. You start to ignore your problems. Then it snowballs. Silently, beneath the polished surface of a smooth existence.

But then there is a downpour. A time when things get too intense, too serious, that its impossible to hide. The rain comes down and washes away that cover. The mask that has held them in a certain place all this time is finally gone. The world knows about this family’s secrets and problems. It must be embarrassing for the family. We must feel sorry for them shouldn’t we? But for them it doesn’t matter. They say look into yourself before you look to others. That is all this family is worried about. They need to fix themselves before there is no family to protect. They need to wash away that facade and present themselves for who they really are, or they will forget it themselves.

That healing must be so hard though, because some members of the family refuse to be part of it. If the family is not a family, what hope is there really for a reunion? What happened to that family? The one everyone was so fond of? The one that everyone was a little inspired by?

They were the golden, happy, loving family

and then

down came the rain.

——————————————-

Originally posted February 19, 2007:

I HATE

I hate how this is making me feel.
I hate how, even though I’m on the other side of the world, it’s all I can think about.
I hate how no one stopped it.
I hate how we’re tearing eachother apart.
I hate how we’re blaming everyone else.
I hate how I’m so fucking far away that I can’t help in any way.
I hate how I don’t know what to do when people tell me those kinds of things.
I hate how our family is so good at pretending, when really we’re breaking down inside.

I hate how you think it’s a joke.
I hate how you think it’s cool.
I hate how your being hurt.
I hate how your doing the same things.
I hate how you have to see it.
I hate how you have to hear it.
I hate how you have to put up with it.

I hate how my mom can’t sleep.
I hate how she cries.

I hate trying to move on.
I hate pretending to be focussed.
I hate faking this smile.
I hate talking but not being heard.

I hate how my family is crumbling.
I hate how my family is crying.
I hate how my family is collapsing.
I hate how my family is dying.

I know these entries are emo but don’t be worried, they are from a time in my life I have long grown out of.

T

Hope carries dreams to reality

There are certain points in history that stand apart from the rest. Something about them makes them stick firmly and vividly to the foreground of our minds, never quite forgotten, and always there. These points can be private moments in our lives where the tiniest thing has a profound affect on our view of the world and each other. Or they can be momentous shared experiences like the one that happened today.

We have a new President. The fact alone is cause for attention, if not interest, but this occasion (the 44th time it has happened) is unique in many ways. I will not list the proposals that President Obama has pledged to improve and transform America during his time as Commander-in-chief, but instead express the ways that I feel he has already transformed us.

I cannot speak for the thousands and millions of people I saw from around the world on TV, but by  the glow of their faces I can only assume they are happy at the change President Obama will bring. I can, however, speak of the emotions that ran through me as I watched a truely history-making event take place. An obvious and expected well of pride rose up inside me as President Obama took the oath and became the leader of the free world. Here is a man who’s father was subjected to discrimination and segregation on the basis of race, but now stands in Washington as the leader of the country. The fact that he stood near the sight of pens which were used to hold slaves before they were sold was a sobering thought, and one which resonated throughout the bodies of those millions who made the trek to the National Mall to see their leader, their President begin his duties. As I watched the parade take place, and saw the thousands of people lining the streets cheer and cry for joy that President Obama was coming past was an indescribable feeling. A mix of disbelief, suprise and pride. The fact that he and First Lady Michelle Obama got out of their fortified car to walk some of the way was incredible, and would have taken great courage.

The main feeling I felt though, and one which was almost entirely unexpected, was hopeful. For the first time I can remember in my short life I was immensely hopeful for a better future. That maybe there will be jobs for me in the workplace when I finally graduate university. That maybe one day I will be able to afford a house of my own. That maybe I might be able to retire in dignity and on my own terms. I had never before felt so hopeful that the ‘maybes‘ of my everyday experience could turn out to be the ‘certainties’ of my future. I watched as President Obama delivered his Inauguration Address and actually felt a part of something bigger than myself. It felt as though I belonged to something that stretched far beyond race, gender, faith, sexual identity, income and even borders. It was a movement of hope. The reaffirmation of the idea that mankind can inspire each other to achieve greater things, to come together to meet and defeat common problems. I could almost feel a wave of change brought on by the hope that the future might be okay after all sweep through the country and around the world. From the icy shores of the Potomac River where the President took his first steps towards the White House, to the warm, sandy shores of Hawaii where he took his first steps of life, the message of hope and change penetrated every corner of the Union.  Even if President Obama’s administration don’t make all the changes and improvements to American politics as they would have hoped, the change they’ve had on the American people is profound. Today was a day where hope was restored to a people, and the crushed dreams of many became possible again. Children will grow up without anyone being able to challenge their dream of becoming President. Dreams are once again buoyed by hope and sailed towards reality. Just a few short years ago the dream of a young boy from Hawaii, with a Black father and a White mother and no political or economic prestige to one day be the President of the United States would have been laughed down (if ever whispered at all).

Today those doubts are gone.

T

A big day out.

So last Friday I went to a music festival in Auckland called Big Day Out. It was rather fun and I saw a range of bands that I had wanted to see for a while now.

I had been specifically excited to see The Prodigy, My Morning Jacket, The Ting Tings, TV On The Radio, The Arctic Monkeys and Pendulum. We also had to stand through the set of Bullet For My Valentine, which were hilarious. They had a song called “Spit You Out” which the guy screeched through the microphone to the less than impressed crowd. One highlight of the BFMV set was that they managed to get the crowd to do a pretty impressive death charge at eachother during one of the last songs. We were sitting on the side of the D area and watching, but the very centre of it looked quite deadly. There was definatley some bloodshed.

Speaking of bloodshed Mr Lewis Bostock, of YouTube and Twitter fame became injured on the day from a combination of leg cramp, getting up too fast, pushy people and a strong wind. Long story short he fractured his foot and ended up being driven off by the St John’s Medical team. Needless to say he had to leave BDO early.

Another interesting event of the day was while we were taking a break from dancing to Pendulum I looked behind Carly and see this guy, about 17 years old, with his hand quite blatantly down his pants and looking quite happy with himself. I freaked out a bit and backed away, but let the girls stay there to see what happened. Next minute he pulls out a bottle filled with “Yellow Vitamin Water” and stares at it then looks around the ground for a lid so it doesn’t spill. I happily hand over the lid to my Vitamin Water so that he seals it off and throws it away. After capping it off he just dropped it on the ground and walked off. I can only assume (since it did, in fact, look like yellow Vitamin Water) that later in the day some poor, drunk reveller drank the refreshing liquid. >.< gross (FYI it was urine, not Vitamin Water).

That’s about all for the boring wordy stuff. Just look at some pictures from the day:

For SIMON: Take a look at my INDUSTRY TICKET. Be jealous.

The Big Day Out Express, from Platform 1, Britomart Station.

I wanted that giant V ball so badly but could never get it.

Guess who that is? TV On The Freakin Radio, that's who!

The Port-A-Loos were pretty clean this year...

The Bostock being heroically plucked from the crowd and driven away, golfcart style.

Carly sitting on the ground, waiting for The Arctic Monkeys.

Emily also waiting, but thinking that Carly is crazy.

Hey Denise, it's HOT CHIP!

This grainy picture is from the sweat-pit that was the audience for The Prodigy. Shortly before 'Firestarter' started.

Yeah so that’s all to report from the Big Day Out 2009.

T

Deep cleaning life

Rob (HalfScottishGuy) was kind enough to send me a little package for Christmas. And yes, I know that was ages ago, it just took a long time to blog about it here. I’m slow when it comes to updating my blog, what can I say?

So yes, here is the package and it’s contents in photograph form:

I do like the ambiguous brown paper bag... it could contain anything...

Dingles... I have DINGLES! How awesome is that?

This is a schematic diagram of Rob's top secret device to transport me to Australia for a visit.

HE SENT ME PORN ZOMG!

Now isn’t that nice?
In other news I cleaned my room for the first time in about six months.
Here is a procession of  ‘Before’ pictures:

Aren’t I a tidy kiwi? I did notice though that the state of my room reflects the state of my life. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to say but I find it to be true. Whenever I have a ton of things to do or a million things on my plate my room is a fucking mess, but the minute I start sorting through my shit and organising my life I start by cleaning my room. It’s kind of a tradition for me. I have highs and I have lows and I have in betweens. Whenever I’m in between the only way to get to a high again is by sorting through the mess I’ve made, both figuratively and literally. So a few times a year my room goes through a deep clean, and so does my life.

And now the ‘After’ pictures:

Things are looking up =)

T